When people violate our boundaries, whether it’s intentional or not, they are demonstrating pain and fear. The actions of others don’t reveal who they are; they reveal the emotions they feel.
We are emotional beings that are driven by how we feel. What we want to pursue, and what we want to avoid are both determined by how we feel.
We sometimes make the mistake of defining a person by their actions, when they might just be temporary expressions of pain.
We unintentionally condition others to repeat an action through defining them by it. An act of laziness doesn’t make the person lazy, and an act of evasiveness doesn’t make the person a coward; but the moment someone believes through social conditioning that they are what they do, their actions become their identity.
If I define myself by my behavior, then my behavior becomes my identity. Once it becomes my identity, it becomes much harder to change. The reason for that is simple: in order for me to change what I do, I now have to change who I am. As a result, change becomes a much bigger task. After all, behavior is simple and tangible, identity isn’t.
-Sam Qureshi
